


The Sanity In Me

by Eternal Scribe (Shadowcat)



Series: These Wounds Won't Seem To Heal [1]
Category: Primeval
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-29
Updated: 2017-01-29
Packaged: 2018-09-20 14:02:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9494720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadowcat/pseuds/Eternal%20Scribe
Summary: He hadn’t seen her in awhile, but he couldn’t stop thinking about her.In fact, he hadn’t seen her since he walked away from the group and the anomalies, and disappeared with Helen when she asked him to go with her. He’d figured that with the backlash her little announcement was going to cause, he had nothing to lose.





	

He hadn’t seen her in awhile, but he couldn’t stop thinking about her.

In fact, he hadn’t seen her since he walked away from the group and the anomalies, and disappeared with Helen when she asked him to go with her. He’d figured that with the backlash her little announcement was going to cause, he had nothing to lose.

He’d been wrong. He couldn’t believe that he’d forgotten what kind of a person Helen could be and after some time, he had parted ways with her.

The regrets one had when they looked to the past were always clearer than when the decision was actually being made.

It was possible that he should have waited to find out just how she opened her own pathways through anomalies to go where she wanted to before choosing to pick a fight and then walk away. However, that wasn’t what happened and after one too many times of clashing with Helen, he had simply walked away from her.

He’d find a way home at some point, of that he was sure. After all, Helen had figured out how to come and go whenever she wanted in very little time. How hard could it really be?

There was a reason that when people used the term _Famous Last Words_ , it was always a lead in to something ominous or foolish. He should have remembered that.

It was some time before he managed to get an anomaly back to the correct time, but he finally found one – after playing hopscotch through several false leads. The problem was that he hadn’t known what to do or where to go when he first got back to his time. So, he did what he had always done in the past when he was unsure about things and needed a sounding board.

He went to Nick. Some things would never change, no matter what.

Besides, he owed Nick an explanation and an apology – even if he knew the second was not something that would be accepted for quite some time. He didn’t expect Nick’s forgiveness for that level of betrayal. However, he wasn’t sure if the affair with his wife or the leaving with her would count as the bigger betrayal.

It didn’t matter, he still would have to face Nick sooner or later about both of them, and he would be the best one to get answers from.

A few hours and a busted lip later, Nick finally told him the news that he didn’t really want to hear.

Abby was getting married.

It shouldn’t have come as such a shock to him. It had been a few years and he _had_ chosen to leave with Helen. He was the one who left and he expected that she would move on with her life. He just didn’t expect it to hurt so much when he was faced with it. There were plenty of men who would love to have her as a part of their lives and she deserved every sort of happiness that she could get a grip on in this life. He truly wanted her to be happy. Truly, he did.

“Connor?” He finally managed to make himself ask the question. It would make sense. She and Connor lived together and the younger man had always had feelings for her. He could give up on ever being with her if she was with Connor.

Nick shook his head. “No. Captain Becker, the head of security that Lester hired after you went off with Helen and we lost Connor. They’ve been together for a time and he finally decided to ask her to be his wife.” He raised an eyebrow at the conflicted look in his old friend’s eyes and was clearly annoyed with him. “You couldn’t have expected her to wait around for you, Stephen. After all, you made your choice known. It couldn’t have been more clear that Helen was more important to you than anyone.” He took a drink from the bottle he was holding.

There were several questions he wanted to ask. He wanted to know what had happened to Connor and just how Becker had found out about the anomaly project. However, there were questions that his brain latched onto in a more rapid fashion because they concerned Abby.

“Where?” His voice was far less even than he would have liked it to be. “When?”

Nick frowned at him. “Leave them be, Stephen. She and Becker are happy and they deserve to be happy. Let them have this.”

“What do you think I’m going to do, disrupt the wedding to announce my return and that I’m there to carry Abby away?” At Nick’s look, he sighed. “That’s a little over dramatic, don’t you think?”

“So was going off with Helen to play _Dr. Who_ through time.”

“It was a bad decision.”

“It was a bit more than a ' _bad decision_ ', Stephen.” Nick said dryly. “It was one of the stupidest decisions I have ever seen you make.” His lips twitched. “And that is including the decision you made to sleep with my wife.”

Stephen had the grace to flush at that. “Not one of my finer moments, I admit. There aren’t enough apologies in the world to make what I did right, but I never did it to hurt you.”

“I know. That was always Helen’s agenda.”

“I thought, at the time, that she loved me.”

“Helen loves Helen,” Nick said with a sigh. “I don’t know if she was always like that or if it was something that changed after we got married.”

“After spending some time with only her while we went through era after era, I can honestly say that it’s how she has always been.”

“Oh? So things didn’t go well in paradise after she isolated you from everyone who cared about you?”

He supposed he deserved that dig. “That’s putting it mildly,” Stephen admitted. “I really had forgotten how much of a manipulating bitch she could be. Once we were alone, her company wasn’t all that pleasant.”

“And so, you fantasized about Abby. You fantasized about the girl who cared deeply enough for you that she never left your side while you were dying – which you repaid by breaking her heart and going off with another woman.” Nick snorted. “This other woman being a woman that you were aware had been trying to hurt and undermine everything we had been doing. Let’s not forget the fact that she had let you believe she was dead for eight years, as well.”

“It wasn’t like that at all.” He protested.

“No? Then how was it?”

“I just thought a lot about Abby and the choices I had made.”

“You did all of that while conveniently disregarding the reality that after so much time she would have continued on with her life and moved on from you. Sounds like a vivid fantasy to me.”

“She’s important to me.”

“I think that Abby could deal very well without experiencing your way of showing how important people are to you, Stephen.” Nick said with uncharacteristic harshness.

 

He arrived late and slipped into the church after the ceremony began – even though Nick had cautioned him that it wouldn’t do him or Abby any good. He didn’t want to ruin Abby’s day by disrupting her wedding, but he had to see her. He stayed in the shadows of one of the alcoves and watched as Lester walked her down the aisle and then placed her hand in Captain Becker’s.

Stephen’s eyes took a quick measurement of the man that was about to be Abby’s husband.

Captain Becker was a handsome man, he had to admit that even to himself. He looked fit and strong, and if the circumstances were different, he would have had more than a passing interest in the man. Even with those attributes, he was all wrong for Abby, in his opinion.

_Because he got to decide who was right for Abby?_ His inner voice questioned him mockingly.

He shook his head in frustration at himself and turned his attention to Abby.

She was still as beautiful as ever, time had only made that even more obvious. She was a little leaner and her muscles were a little more defined than he remembered them being the last time he had seen her. Her hair was a lot longer and today she had caught it up from her face in a simple silver clip, letting it flow down her back. For a moment he imagined how it would feel to run his hands through her hair when it was let down.

_Ogling another man's wife, Stephen? How like you._ His inner voice sounded a lot like Helen and he shook his head to shove those thoughts away.

Abby had foregone the traditional wedding veil, and he wasn’t surprised. For something like this, she would have wanted to see everything. He was glad for that because it meant that her face wasn't obscured from him. It meant that he could see her eyes and see what she was feeling and thinking.

She seemed happy. As she stood with Becker, she looked like she was really happy and at peace.

Wasn’t that what he wanted? Didn’t he spend the last few nights doing his damnedest to convince Nick that he just wanted to see for himself that Abby was safe and happy?

As much as he would have liked to slip out of the church and find a good viewing spot ahead of time, he knew that he would be noticed if he tried to leave the ceremony. So when Abby and Becker came back down the aisle, he ducked his head and was careful not to catch anyone’s eye. They passed close enough for him to reach out and touch her, but he didn’t. No matter what he was thinking or feeling, he couldn’t do anything that would upset her on this day of all days. There would be time later.

“She looks so happy,” he said quietly when Nick came to stand beside him beneath the trees.

The reception was being held outside in the gardens and he had to admit that it was a good choice on the part of whomever had planned the wedding.

“Did you think she wouldn’t be? She loves Becker as fiercely as he loves her. They’re good for each other.”

“Hoping that she’s happy and actually seeing it are two different things,” he admitted.

“She moved on with her life just as you did. Things didn’t just stay the same because you left, Stephen.” Nick pointed out. “All of our actions have distinct reactions and consequences that we have to adapt and deal with. This is one of the consequences of your actions that you have to deal with now.”

“Have I said recently that I really hate it when you sound like an ethics professor?”

"Jealousy isn't a good look on you, Stephen."

"Sod off," he muttered, but there was no real heat in the response as he watched him walk over to speak to the groom.

Nick was right. He _was_ jealous. 

He should leave.

He should never have come here today and put himself through this.

He was glad that Abby was happy, but there was a part of him that was pained by things that would never be. It was true that he had no one to blame but himself for that, but it still hurt. He hadn’t expected to be so torn about Abby finding happiness after he went with Helen. She didn’t owe him anything – and in fact he’d never given her reason to think he cared about her as more than a friend. He turned to leave the reception and only took a few steps when he found himself face to face with Abby.

“Abby.” His voice was barely a whisper. He hadn’t expected her to approach him – or even see him today. He had taken such pains to make sure his presence didn’t cause any ripples.

“Were you going to leave without saying hello?” Her tone didn’t reveal anything that she might be feeling about him being here.

“I didn’t know if you’d want to speak to me,” he answered honestly.

“Then why did you come?”

That was such a good question, and he really wasn’t sure he had all of the answers to it. He took a deep breath.

“I wanted to see you.”

Abby’s eyes moved over him and then met his own. He wasn’t sure what to think of the way she was looking at him – like she was measuring him against something.

“And now that you’ve seen me, you’re just going to sneak away? Hide in the shadows again for a bit to watch us from another place or some other such nonsense?”

He winced. Since that was exactly what he had been doing, he couldn’t argue with her statement.

“I didn’t say that I had a particularly good plan,” he finally said, feeling awkward.

“You didn’t plan this out at all,” she informed him. “You didn’t have a plan to begin with. You just acted without really thinking – like you always do.”

There wasn’t anything he could say to argue that point, because she was right. When it came to animals, he was a tactician. He’d carefully plan out and work out the best way to track down the animal and how to deal with it. However in his dealings with people he tended to just make split decisions and go from there.

They usually returned to bite him in the ass later.

Case in point: The blond looking at him like he was some new species she couldn’t decide what to do with.

“I should leave,” he said quietly.

“So you’re just going to run away from us,” Abby said bitterly. “ _Again_.”

He wasn’t sure if it was the bitterness or the actual words that caused him to be so shocked. Certainly, he couldn’t blame her for being angry or bitter towards him. After all, he had left his friends and teammates behind to travel with Helen after she hurt them. He turned back to her, matching her glare with one of his own. He could see her temper dancing in her eyes and he wasn’t quite sure what had caused it to rise as quickly as it had. She hadn’t seemed that close to furious when she first approached him, so he was slightly confused.

“I’m not running away from you,” he snapped back at her. “I have never run away from anything in my life!”

“Bullshit,” Abby practically snarled, stepping closer. “You ran away before and you’re running now. Things get too complicated for you or you don’t have control of something and you run away.”

“I didn’t run away! I made the choice to leave with Helen because I loved her. Going after someone you love isn’t the same as running away from something, Abby.”

“Maybe so, but in your case that wasn’t what you did, Stephen.” Abby was clenching her fists at her sides. “You ran away.”

“What are you talking about? Running away makes the assumption that I was sneaking away. I didn’t do that. You all watched me leave. I wasn’t being secretive at all!” He was surprised by how angry her accusation made him.

“You ran away,” Abby repeated. “Helen dropped her bombshell and rather than stick around to deal with the consequences of that and your past actions, you took the easy way out by going with her.”

He just stared at her for a moment. “You think that travelling around with Helen was taking the easy way out of anything? How about you go spend some time with her and then you can tell me if you still think there’s anything easy about that?”

Not that he would allow Helen to ever be anywhere alone with Abby. He hadn’t exactly hidden his thoughts and feelings about her in the last days and he didn’t want to think about what Helen would try to do to her because of that.

“You apparently thought it would be easier than taking responsibility for your actions or dealing with what had happened,” Abby pointed out. “You didn’t know how bad it would get or even how to deal, so you ran and left the rest of us to pick up the pieces.”

“That’s not fair, Abby.” Even as he said it, he wasn’t sure that was true. He hadn’t thought about how things would be after he left. He had just followed Helen in a sudden decision that he hadn’t given much thought to.

“Isn’t it?” She asked. “Helen dropped that bombshell with the sole intention of hurting Nick and causing a rift between the two of you. You played right into her hands, Stephen. She hurt Nick and took his best friend away all in one blow and you _let_ it happen.”

“I couldn’t have changed what happened even if I stayed.” Even to his ears it didn’t sound like much more than an excuse.

“You’re wrong on that,” she said quietly. “You couldn’t have changed the affair, no. However, you could have stayed and talked things out with Nick. You could have faced up to your mistakes like a man instead of running off like a child.”

“What do you know about it?” He snapped at her, angry that she was vocalizing all of the thoughts he had since it had happened. He didn’t realize that at some point during their conversation, Abby had gotten trapped with her back against one of the trees. “You don’t know a thing about what happened between Helen and I.”

“No, I don’t,” she snapped right back, pushing against him. “I don’t know because instead of explaining yourself you ran after the bitch like a lost puppy and we were the ones here to put Nick back together again!”

“Speaking of lost puppies, Abby, where’s Connor?”

He hadn’t meant to say that to her. He registered her skin turning white right before he felt the impact of her hand against his face.

Abby was shaking and Stephen stumbled back. He knew that he deserved that, but what shocked him wasn’t that she hit him. What shocked him was the depth of pain he saw in her eyes.

“Abby,” he started. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…”

“Don’t.” Her voice was full of too many emotions for him to easily identify. “Don’t you _dare_ talk about Connor like you give a damn about what happened after you left us.”

“Abby…” Stephen couldn’t stop himself from reaching for her when he saw the effect his words had had on her.

“Is there a problem here?” The voice from behind him was cold and very unhappy.

_Damn and double damn!_

This was just what he needed – Abby’s new husband showing up when he had just obviously hurt Abby. He didn’t want Captain Becker to be here. He wanted him to go away so he could continue talking to Abby alone and fix what he had inadvertently done to make her look the way she currently did.

“No,” Abby said quietly, her gaze never leaving Stephen’s face. “There’s no problem, love. Just an old friend saying something stupid.”

“I’d say that whatever he said was more than stupid if he made you look like this.” And arm reached past Stephen’s face and pulled Abby gently away from the tree. “You look more hurt than angry.”

Stephen turned to face Abby and her husband and saw the other’s man’s eyes widen slightly in recognition.

“Oh, I see.” Becker tucked Abby carefully against his side. “Hello, Stephen.” 

Stephen was caught off guard by the fact that Abby's new husband seem to already know him. He tried to regain his balance even while he nodded at the other man. "Becker."

Stephen fought back the sigh of irritation. He shouldn’t be surprised that the other man recognized him. If he and Abby had gotten married, then of course she would have filled him on everything that may or may not have happened.

“You have me at a distinct disadvantage,” Stephen finally said. “You know who I am, but I don’t know who you are.”

“Since you ducked into the wedding, I assumed you were fully aware of who I was,” the other man replied smoothly. “Captain Becker.”

“Do you have a first name?” He couldn’t help the question, even with the way Abby was looking at him.

“Not one that I’m inclined to share with you being as how you didn’t see fit to pay that much attention to the vows.”

“My mind was on other things,” Stephen muttered.

“Like how many ways you might screw me over and take my wife?” The question was posed in a completely even voice, but it was a voice that made Stephen uneasy.

“What makes you say something like that?”

“The look in your eyes.” Becker’s smile was sharp as he tightened his arm around Abby again. “It says that my comment was right on target.”

Stephen sighed, running his hand through his hair. "This scene was definitely not in any of the scenarios with Abby that I imagined. Of that, I'm sure."

"I'm not sure any of them expected to see you again," Becker said calmly, his arm still securely around Abby's shoulders. To Stephen's eyes it was definitely the sign of staking a claim on her.

"Expectations don't always go as planned, it seems."

"Here for a visit?" There was a warning in Becker's words that Stephen didn't like.

"No, I thought I'd stick around. I'm not really as keen on travel as I thought I was. Besides, I have some unfinished business here that I need to take care of."

"Just _business_ ," Becker said calmly. "What kind of business?"

"Not that it's any concern of yours, Becker," Stephen said evenly. "But there are some things I need to resolve since I left things in such a mess."

"That's an understatement if I've ever heard one," Abby muttered.

"Abby," Stephen wasn't sure what to say, honestly. This was the first time he had ever felt helpless where a woman was concerned, and it wasn't a feeling that he was enjoying. "Abby," he repeated. He was at a loss for words. "Abby, I really am sorry."

"Don't, Stephen," Abby said quietly. "Just don't. Don't waste my time apologizing when if you had stayed with us, then Connor might still be alive." She shook her head. "I have to go."

Becker watched her go with concern in his eyes while Stephen just stared. He couldn't recall ever hearing Abby like that.

"That was... that was a surprise." Stephen finally managed to get out as he continued staring after Abby.

"At least she's finally laying the blame at the feet it belongs at and not carrying it on her shoulders any longer." Becker responded. "I never thought she'd stop carrying that burden." He shrugged. "Then again, after hearing how you had betrayed your best mate and therefore the rest of them, too, I never thought you'd have the bad idea to turn up again."

"You don't know a damn thing about me, Becker."

"I know enough to know that you hurt Abby -- not once but several times," Becker bit out. "And I know that she's right. If you hadn't left them all behind to go with Helen, then Connor _would_ still be alive." Becker shook his head. "I certainly don't know what you were expecting, showing up this way. However, I am sure of one thing."

"Oh, and what's that?"

"You hurt any of them while you're here on this little visit of yours and I won't be the only one coming for your head." He started to walk in the direction that Abby had gone, and then stopped. He didn't look at Stephen as he said his next words. "I won't be the only one after you, but I will damn sure be the fastest." He waited just a moment for that to sink in and then continued after his wife.

Stephen felt like the world around him was spinning. What exactly had happened to his friends after he had left them and gone with Helen?

 

"You have got to be one of the biggest idiots imaginable," Nick greeted him later that night when Stephen showed up at his flat again.

Stephen winced. "What happened with Abby and Becker?"

"You're a moron," Nick said succinctly as he went into the kitchen to grab a bottle or two of something very potently alcoholic. "Worse than a moron. You acted like a bumbling Englishman."

"That's hitting below the belt, don't you think?" The comment sounded a lot more calm than the way he was actually feeling.

"Be grateful it's me you're talking to," Nick warned him. "Jenny, Sarah and Quinn all wanted to take turns at you. They wouldn't be nearly as nice as I'm being -- and I'm only being nice because I'm the oldest and the one that you apparently betrayed the most when you left with Helen."

Stephen stared at him. " _Apparently_ betrayed the most?"

Nick shrugged. "I had no illusions about what kind of person Helen had turned into during her years of faking her death. I tried to tell you that, but you weren't ready to listen."

"I'm getting a headache."

"You're lucky that you didn't get worse earlier when you saw Abby and Becker. When it comes to Abby getting hurt, Becker is usually shoot first and ask the pertinent questions later. I'm almost positive that the only reason you didn't get shot or punched is because it was Abby's wedding day." He shoved a bottle of alcohol at Stephen. "Although, the others were almost ready to forget that it was her day after you ended up making her cry."

Stephen winced again. "I didn't mean to make her cry, Nick," he said tiredly. "The last thing that I wanted to do was hurt her."

"Well you did," Nick responded bluntly. "What did you think was going to happened when you showed up like that? Did you just expect that she was going to welcome you with open arms and say how glad she was that you were back and how much she missed you?"

"I don't know," Stephen said, dropping down into one of the chairs in Nick's living room. "Maybe? I'm not sure. I didn't really have much of a plan."

"You never do," Nick sighed, shaking his head. "You probably ruined Becker's plans for their wedding night. Jenny said that when she left, Abby and Sarah were still drinking. They ran out of champagne at the reception and somehow convinced one of the security guys to go buy them something stronger."

"Who is Sarah?" Because that was easier than talking about anything else right now.

"Sarah rounds out the dangerous threesome of Jenny and Abby. The three of them are best friends and God help anyone that upsets one or more of them. They're beautiful on the outside but every bit as dangerous as a pack of Velociraptors when they're riled up."

"Do you ever get tired of comparing the women around you to dinosaurs or other extinct creatures?" Stephen asked. It was something that he had wanted to ask him for years, actually.

"Velociraptors were beautiful, smart and very deadly. It's a description that suits our girls perfectly." Nick grinned. "Besides, I'm the only one that's allowed to do so. Anyone else calls them dinosaurs and they all three come down on them. Hard and with weapons, possibly."

Stephen shook his head. "You like to live dangerously."

"Not as much as you do, apparently," Nick retorted. "You made Abby cry. Not only did you make her cry, you made her cry on her _wedding day_. I've done some damned awkward things in my life, but never once have I made a bride cry on her wedding day."

"I didn't mean to make her cry," Stephen said plaintively. "I just wanted to see her and I was going to quietly slip away."

"But she caught you."

"She caught me."

"Idiot."

"I know."

"So what happened that led to her and her two best friends drinking everything in sight while the groom looked like he wished he had a reason to go hunting -- and not for dinosaurs?"

"I might have said something I shouldn't have." When all Nick did was raise an eyebrow in question, Stephen suppressed a sigh. "It's possible that I might have mentioned Connor in the same sentence as the term lost puppy."

Nick stared at him for a long moment and Stephen hated the pain that flared in his friend's eyes momentarily. He seemed to be really good at hurting people today. Nick swallowed once and then took a long drink from his bottle.

"No wonder she looked like someone had gut punched her." Nick finally said quietly.

"I didn't know that he was dead. All you said to me was that he wasn't with the team any longer."

"Actually, I told you that we had lost him."

"That could have meant anything," Stephen argued. "I thought when you said that you lost him that you meant he had quit the team and went somewhere else."

"After everything we had seen and been through, do you honestly think that Connor would have just dropped everything and walked away?" Nick demanded. "After everything that happened and he lost his friend, there was no way he would have stopped the work he was doing. There was no way he would have ever walked away from Abby."

"I walked away," Stephen reminded him quietly.

"You're not Connor." Nick's comment was blunt, but his tone wasn't harsh.

"No, I'm not Connor." Stephen let out a breath. "What happened, Nick?"

Nick sighed, closing his eyes and trying to figure out how to start. It was something that had happened years ago, but the pain of it was still fresh for everyone involved. He took another drink from his bottle and then got up to open a cabinet.

"Memories like this needs something a wee bit stronger," he said, his accent deepening with the emotions he was feeling. He brought out a bottle of scotch and two glasses. He poured them both a drink and then set the bottle down. He took his place on the couch again, taking a sip from the glass, closing his eyes for a few moments.

He was quiet for so long that Stephen cleared his throat. "Nick," he said quietly. "Tell me what happened to Connor."

"It happened a few days after you went with Helen," Nick finally said, not looking at him but into the glass of scotch. "We got a call about weird creatures in one of the shopping malls. Velociraptors. The three of us were the only ones that went into the building as they hadn't yet found a security back up that was as good as you with weapons and tracking." He sighed. "Captain Ryan's unit had been assigned to something or another by the Minister because it seemed more important than what we were dealing with. We knew it was dangerous because we didn't know how many creatures had come through the anomaly, but there was no one but us that could take care of it." He took another drink from his glass and Stephen could swear he saw the hint of tears in his eyes.

Stephen suddenly wasn't sure he really wanted to know what had happened. He took a drink from his glass, trying to ignore the fact that he could tell Nick's hands were shaking.

"The attack came out of nowhere. We hadn't expected the third raptor." Nick sighed, swallowing hard. "Abby and I had already sedated and secured the mother and we were trying to track down the baby that we had seen on the video feeds. The baby dropped from a display above and attacked Abby. He had latched onto her shoulder with his claws and teeth. Abby was screaming and trying to get him off of her when we came around the corner. Connor reached her first and grabbed the baby and pulled him off of Abby, throwing him as far away as he could." Nick's voice broke and he drained his glass, before refilling it. "Connor heard the other adult before I did. He threw himself down over Abby, trying to hide the blood and hopefully get her to stop screaming. Her screams had stopped once the first attack was over. To this day, I don't know if she was going into shock at that point or not."

Stephen swallowed hard. "Why not?"

"Because the rest happened so fast. We didn't even know there was a second adult there and he smelled Abby's blood and heard her screaming. When Connor threw himself over Abby --" Nick's voice shook. "When he did that, her blood got onto him and the adult attacked Connor instead of Abby. I kept firing the gun I had but by the time the raptor finally went down..."

"It was too late for Connor," Stephen finished for him, the pain of that rocking through him.

Connor, who had been so excited and energetic about everything around them. Connor, who had done his best to fit in and try to make friends with everyone in the group. Connor, who didn't let anything they were doing or the danger from it ever get him down. Connor, with his crush on Abby that had annoyed him to no end. Connor, who was always there for anyone that needed a friend and who would have done anything he could think of to make Abby smile.

Connor, whom he had never given a chance to get close to him and be his friend -- no matter how many times he had tried because Stephen just didn't have time for him. Or so he had thought.

"God," Stephen managed to say before emptying his glass. He put the empty glass on the coffee table because his hands were shaking too much for him to hold it steady right now. "Oh god."

"Abby... Abby didn't do too well for quite awhile after that day," Nick finally said. "She had been hurt pretty badly, but when she went into shock, it wasn't just from her wounds. Not only had Connor been killed --"

"He had been killed right on top of her when he was trying to protect her." Stephen's voice was just a whisper as he shook his head again.

Nick nodded, refilling both glasses. "It was almost too much for our Abby to handle in her mind. She was unconscious for quite awhile in the hospital and then when she woke up, well, she still wasn't really there. It was like her body was alive, but everything that made her who she was had just shut down."

Stephen bit back what he was sure would have been a sob and he could hear his breath hitch. The idea of Abby being like that hurt just as much as the news that Connor was dead. Abby had been right. Connor would still be with them if he had never left with Helen. No wonder Becker had looked at him with such loathing.

"How... when..." Stephen wasn't even really sure which of his hundreds of questions he was trying to ask right now.

"Lester." Nick said quietly as he stared into his glass. "Lester contacted the minister and said we needed Ryan's unit back immediately. The anomalies were a bigger threat to public safety than anything else. The Minister must have agreed because two days later, Ryan arrived with his men and a few more. He brought his cousin, Captain Becker, with him. Having both of them made it easier to have all of the guns we might need at any time. Of course, having both of them also meant that Captain Ryan could take turns with us staying at the hospital with Abby and trying to get her to respond to things around her. Even Lester went down to the hospital several times to be with Abby. He told her very firmly that she was not allowed to stay like she was because he was not going to accept losing any more of his people.”

Stephen snorted. “You sound like you’ve gained respect for him.”

“It’s been six years, Stephen,” Nick pointed out. “Things have changed a great deal in that time.”

He frowned a little. “Six years?”

Nick nodded. “Six years.”

“I didn’t realize so much time had passed since I left. I thought a year, maybe two.” He swallowed. “And Becker and Abby…”

“Four years. They’ve been together for four years, but that boy had to work really damn hard to get Abby to open up and let him close to her. She had already lost you and Connor. She wasn’t willing to open herself up to that kind of hurt again.” He sipped from his glass. “She was of the mind that anyone she let herself care for in such a deep way would leave her. It took him awhile to convince her that he loved her and that he wasn’t going to leave her.”

“How long was Abby…” He swallowed again, trying to find the right words that would make all of this news he was getting not hurt so much. “How long was Abby in the hospital?”

“Several months,” Nick finally responded. “I lost track of the number, but I’m sure Jenny would know – if you think you want to face her long enough to ask.”

“Why would I be hesitant to face her? It’s not like we know each other.”

Nick’s lips twitched. “Jenny is Abby’s best friend and one of the ones that was in her hospital room when she finally started coming back to us. Lester hired her the week after the attack and she spent more time than anyone at the hospital. She spent more than one night there with Abby because she didn’t want her to be alone.”

“But she didn’t even know her.” Stephen’s voice was full of confusion.

Nick gave him a look and shook his head. “That’s always been one of your problems, Stephen,” Nick said with a sigh. “You think that people have to know each other for a certain length of time before they can start caring deeply or forming attachments. I keep telling you that you’re wrong. The human condition urges us to form as many attachments to other human beings as quickly as we can.”

“I didn’t come for a lecture on the wonders of human evolution, Nick,” he said quietly.

“Well maybe you should have,” Nick responded hotly. “Human evolution and the wonder of it is how we managed to get Abby to come back to us from her catatonic state. The fact that her makeup craved connection with other human beings is why we were able to get her back. All of us spending time next to her chair or her bed just talking to her and letting her know that she was our family and we were never giving up on her gave Abby a tether to the real world. It gave her something that she could follow back from the prison in her mind and into the real world again.”

Stephen had to look down at the floor as he listened to Nick talking about just how bad Abby had been. Her injuries, plus the shock of Connor being killed, plus the shock of him being killed while covering her had really caused her to be in a horrible state and not for the first time, he cursed himself for following Helen.

“She was right,” he finally said. “If I had been here, if I had stayed, none of that would have happened and Connor would still be alive.”

Nick sighed, then spread his hands with a shrug before he took another drink of his scotch. He didn’t want to add to Stephen’s guilt and sadness, but the truth of the matter, he also thought Connor would have been saved if Stephen hadn’t left with Helen that day.

“You agree with her, don’t you?”

“You ran off with my wife, Stephen,” Nick reminded him humorlessly.

“But you agree with Abby that if I had been here, Connor would still be alive.”

“You don’t really want to know what I think or how I feel about your actions of six years ago,” Nick cautioned him.

“I may not want to know, but I need to know.” He leaned forward, his elbows on his knees as he ran his hands through his hair. “I didn’t really think my decision through that day.”

“Do you ever?”

He frowned, trying to come up with words that didn’t sound like he was a whining juvenile. Hell, Nick had been his best friend, not his father. So why did he always feel like he was trying to gain – and keep – Nick’s approval?

“I try, sometimes,” he finally admitted. “I try to think things out before I do them, but sometimes I react just from emotion or adrenaline or fear.”

“Which one was sleeping with Helen?”

Stephen let out a breath. “A little of emotion and a little of adrenaline. She made me feel like she loved me and cared about me and what kind of things I wanted out of life.”

“Because you didn’t think your best friend before Helen cared all that much about you and your life.”

He couldn’t stand the self-loathing tone in Nick’s voice.

“No, I mean, that’s not what I thought at all.” Stephen buried his face in his hands. “Helen was… she was exciting and a whirlwind of so much passion and emotion. Passion and emotion that she let me believe was because of me and who I was. I thought she loved me every bit as much as I thought I loved her. I knew that I was wrong and that I shouldn’t be with her because she was your wife, but I just couldn’t seem to stop myself. Every time it happened, I told myself that it was the last time because she was my best friend’s wife. I would be so set on it never happening again, but the next time she wanted me, I went to her without a question.”

“She always was a force of nature that few could resist getting caught up with,” Nick said quietly, not looking at Stephen but taking another drink. “One of my friends told me that once when we were talking about how he felt Helen had me wrapped in her web.”

Stephen froze for a moment, absorbing Nick’s words. “I wasn’t the first.”

Nick shook his head. “No. You weren’t the first, not even close. You were just the biggest betrayal and the one she knew would cause me the most pain when I found out.”

“God, Nick. How often?”

Nick shrugged, staring into his glass. “Every couple of months starting the second year after we were married, I think.”

“That long?” Stephen blanched. “Christ, Nick, why didn’t you just divorce her, then?”

“I thought about it several times. I even talked to a lawyer once.”

“So why didn’t you?”

“Because I loved her,” Nick said with complete honesty. “And I was no more immune to Helen than you or any of her other affairs were. With the others, I could dismiss them because they were people that I wasn’t close to and she would say something that had me all knotted up and believing that no matter what she did, I was still the one that she loved more than anything and she didn’t want me to go.” He took a breath and finally looked back at Stephen. “It was a game to her, to see how far she could push me until I got angry and yelled at her and then once we made up, she would start the cycle all over again. She must have set her sights on you when I stopped reacting to her activities.”

Stephen didn’t like the sound of this. He really didn’t think he wanted to hear more, but he knew that he needed to. “What do you mean that you stopped reacting to her activities?”

Nick frowned, then took a long drink from his glass. “When I stopped giving her the fights over her affairs with my colleagues… and I stopped letting her make it up to me in her own way, she upped the ante. She seduced two of my best students. After that, I told her that if she went near my students in that way again, I would divorce her and nothing she could say would change my mind.” He sighed, shaking his head. “From that point until she disappeared, I thought things were better. I thought she had taken my words to heart and she had decided that our marriage and having me in her bed and in her life was more important than seeing how far she could push me before I broke. She said she only had the affairs and then men to shake me up because I was always so calm and controlled. I was an academic who kept his passions buried and she wanted me to let them show more often. Like an idiot, I believed that she had stopped her games because I never again found out about anything – and she usually liked to flaunt her behavior to see how much I would take.”

Stephen felt a little sick. It had never occurred to him that Nick could have been just as wrapped up in Helen as he had been. The fact that Helen had had several affairs and made sure Nick knew about them in order to hurt him and try to change who he was angered him more than he thought was possible. He was realizing now that Helen had seen him as a weapon to hurt his friend and nothing more than that.

“She didn’t tell you about us,” Stephen whispered.

“No. She kept you a much better secret than she had ever kept any of the others. I’m sure that if she hadn’t discovered the anomalies and decided to disappear, she would have managed to find some incredibly painful and embarrassing way to inform me about the two of you.” Nick reached for the bottle again and refilled both of their glasses.

Stephen watched Nick fill the glasses and realized that he hadn’t seen Nick drink this much in a very long time – not since they had been told that Helen was dead.

“Did she tell you that she tried to get me to go with her when we first found her?” Nick’s quiet voice was slightly slurred as he stretched out on his sofa and looked at Stephen. “When I went through that water anomaly and found her to talk to her?”

Stephen shook his head. “No, she didn’t say anything about that. What happened?”

“She wanted me to stay with her and travel through the anomalies to see everything that she had been seeing. She said she was offering me the key to time itself and all I had to do was turn my back on this world and stay at her side.” Nick’s eyes took on a far off look for a few moments and then he shook his head to clear it. “I told her that I couldn’t just turn my back on my life and everything that was happening. People were dying and we needed to stop it. She told me that people die every day and that I needed to accept that it couldn’t be changed.” He sighed. “At that point in time, if she had given me a better answer to my question, I might have been tempted to stay with her.”

Stephen slumped in the chair, trying to get comfortable. When that didn’t work, he muttered something and stretched out on the floor next to the sofa. Nick dropped one of the cushions on him and Stephen muttered a thank you before putting it behind his head. He’d have to sit up slightly to drink, but that was easily done.

“What was the question that you asked her?”

Nick was silent for so long that Stephen began to think that he wasn’t going to answer him. Then he heard Nick shift on the sofa and heard the other man let out a sigh.

“I asked her why. Why after eight years of letting me believe she was dead had she come back and made her presence known with all of those messages to me? Why did she want me to be with her now?”

Stephen closed his eyes. It was easy for him to imagine all of the emotion that Nick must have been feeling to see his wife alive in front of him after so damn long. Nick had grieved for Helen for a very long time after they lost her and even when they had discovered the existence of the anomalies, he had still grieved.

“What did she say in response to that?”

“That she missed me, she was lonely… and that humans were not meant to always be alone.” Nick sighed. “Not one word about loving me and wanting to be with me. No, she was lonely and didn’t want to be alone any longer.” Nick shrugged and took a drink of his scotch. “She missed me so much that she ran away again and then when she came back saying she wanted to help us, she really just wanted us to help her destroy things and then decided to get even with me for rejecting her and moving on. She always knew the best ways to hurt me and using you as a weapon against me was her most brilliant idea.”

“After everything I know now, it shouldn’t be so shocking to me that she would use me to hurt you. But it does bother me because the last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you.”

Nick sighed. “You slept with my wife, Stephen. Yes, it was eight years ago, but how did you expect I was going to feel when I found out about it?”

“I guess I wasn’t really thinking about all of that at the time. I was just so amazed that she wanted to be with me that none of the realities of the situation permeated until much later.” He swallowed hard. “Like after she was gone and we thought she was dead. After that, it didn’t seem right that I should add anything more to what you were feeling already. I thought if I told you it would taint the good memories you had of your dead wife. So I kept the secret and I never let it come up between us.”

“Until that day in the forest with the anomaly.”

Stephen nodded. “Until that day.”

“Why?”

“Why, what, Nick?”

“Why did you leave with her? That’s the part that I just haven’t been able to wrap my head around. You were my best friend and my right hand and I know that you had a serious thing for Abby. I could see it in your eyes every time she looked at you. Ryan was your friend and even if you didn’t like Lester, you seemed to respect what he was trying to do. So, with all of that, why did you leave when Helen asked you to?”

Stephen sighed. “You know, I have spent a lot of time since going through that anomaly asking myself that same question. Why did I go with her? Why did I leave everyone I cared about to follow someone who had already shown that she wasn’t quite sane? At first, I told myself that it was because I loved her and wanted to be with her no matter how unstable she was.”

“And now?”

“Abby said that I took the easy way out and ran away so that I wouldn’t have to deal with the fallout from Helen’s little bombshell.”

“What do you think?”

“That she’s right, but not for all of the reasons that she has thought.” Stephen shook his head and sat up, shifting so that his back was against the sofa. It was easier to drink in this position and he wouldn’t be able to see Nick’s profile quite as clearly. He took a long drink, draining the glass, and then reached for the bottle. He refilled his glass quietly, then returned the bottle to the table. “I thought that Helen was the lesser of the pains I was dealing with.”

“How did you come to that conclusion?”

“At the time, I was in love with two people: one that I thought I could never have and one that I knew I would never be good enough for. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do about it and if Helen hadn’t made her little announcement like she did, I have no idea how I would have reconciled all of my feelings and my emotions.” He leaned his head back against the edge of the sofa, staring up at the ceiling. “When I saw what Helen was doing and I asked her not to say what she was saying, that should have been enough to tell me that she didn’t really care about anyone but herself. But then she said it. I saw the shock on Abby’s face and the hurt on yours and I just…” He sighed, looking down at his drink. “I didn’t think I had any other options and so I went with her. I didn’t think I could handle staying there and losing everything because of Helen being a spiteful bitch.”

“So you ran away.”

“I ran away.”

“Did running away with her help anything?”

“Not a bloody damn thing,” Stephen cursed softly. “Unless you count the fact that it gave me a much better chance to discover what kind of person she really is.”

Stephen heard Nick shrug on the sofa behind him.

“Sometimes, knowing someone is the best lesson that we can ever learn. It doesn’t make learning the truth any easier – especially about someone we love – but having that knowledge is more important to our state of being than anything else.”

“Spoken like a true professor.”

“Or someone who has learned all of that the hard way.”

Stephen nodded. “Or someone who has learned all of that the hard way.” He sighed, twirling his glass. “I wish there had been an easier way to learn a lesson like this.”

“If it were easy, it wouldn’t be worthwhile to know.”

“You’ve thought a lot about this.”

Cutter’s laugh was a bit bitter it seemed to Stephen. “Stephen, my wife – whom I loved at one time – spent our entire marriage cheating on me. She cheated on me with my best friend, and if that wasn’t enough, she disappeared and allowed me to think that she was dead for eight years. When she came back and I didn’t do what she wanted me to, she dropped a bombshell that she wanted to break me and then disappeared again with said best friend. I’ve had six years to think about all of this.”

Stephen winced, staring into his drink. “Do you hate me?”

“Hate you?”

“Do you hate me for Helen? For sleeping with her and then for leaving?”

“I don’t hate you, Stephen. I’m not even sure that I’m capable of hating you of all people. Do I wish you hadn’t slept with my wife? Hell, yes. What man wouldn’t feel that way to find out his wife had seduced his best friend? But I can’t hate you for it because I know better than anyone else what Helen can be like and how she can get you all tangled up in her web of poison.”

“You make her sound like a spider.”

“Spiders aren’t as cruel as she can be,” Nick refuted. “Spiders do what they do because that’s how they are. They don’t make choices that are calculated to hurt people. They are ruled by instinct. Helen doesn’t have that excuse. She has the freedom of choice and she chooses to use and hurt people.”

Stephen was quiet as he absorbed Nick’s words. He was right. Looking back, he could clearly see that every choice Helen had made since he had gotten involved with her had been a conscious choice to hurt or control somebody.

_To hurt and play games with Nick._

“Damn it,” Stephen sighed, shaking his head and then taking another drink.

“A feeling that I have echoed far too many times during my marriage to Helen.” He took his own drink. “A marriage that has now been ended.”

“Ended?”

“Technically, it ended when she _died_ ,” Nick said calmly. “However, when she showed back up and I realized she was alive, well, something had to be done. Claudia had been helping me look into options and after Helen erased her from existence somehow… well, then Jenny started helping me and we found a lawyer. My marriage to Helen was annulled due to extenuating circumstances. Lester served as my witness with the barrister.”

Stephen nodded. “How did it feel when it was all made official?”

“Liberating,” Nick answered honestly. “That and relief.”

“Relief?”

“Relief that she couldn’t use her involvement or ties to me as weapons to hurt the people close to me. Relief that she couldn’t show up and cause trouble and expect that I would help her just because she was my wife.” Nick smiled faintly. “I’m sure that will come as quite the surprise to her the next time she shows up and tries that. Of course, cutting all legal ties with her made me feel a lot freer than I have for a very long time. Her sins are not mine and her actions or inactions no longer reflect on me. It was like feeling myself come out from a very heavy shadow.”

“It sounds like it was something that you should have done a long time ago.”

“Probably,” Nick agreed. “But, I was foolish and I had hope. I hoped that she would settle down and we could make our marriage work. Hell, I’m not even sure why she married me, to be honest. But she did and I kept hoping it would one day be a happy marriage. It never ended up being happy. Passionate and full of excitement, there was a great deal of that. But, passion and excitement doesn’t always lead to happiness and balance within a relationship.”

“I shouldn’t have run away,” Stephen said after a long moment of silence. “That was the worst possible choice I could have made at that time.” He let out a heavy breath. “I reacted with emotion instead of rationality. It was just that I saw how much her announcement had hurt you – and realized she had done it just to hurt you – and I saw how disappointed Abby looked over it and I didn’t know what to do.”

“Running just seemed easier at the time.”

He nodded. “It really did. I didn’t expect it to change anything where the rest of you were concerned, but at the time I thought that Helen had ruined everything I held important to me so I might as well just agree to go with her.”

“We all seem to do thoughtless and crazy things in the name of love.” Nick’s voice was calm.

“It wasn’t love at that point, not really.” Stephen sighed. “At least, not love for Helen.”

“You ran away from your love for Abby, then.”

“Partially.” Stephen took a long drink, emptying his glass. “I mean, she wasn’t the only one I was in love with, but after what Helen said that day, I figured that I was damned no matter what decision I made. Helen seemed to have made sure that the two people I loved would never accept me.”

“You should have at least allowed them that choice, Stephen. Making decisions for other people will always show up later to bite you in the ass.”

“Yeah, I learned that in the hardest way imaginable,” he agreed quietly. “I never thought something could hurt like all of that did.”

Nick moved his free hand to rest in Stephen’s hair. “Being hurt is part of being human,” he said as he moved his fingers through Stephen’s hair soothingly. “It’s the human experience and emotions and their repercussions make up who we all are. Abby will forgive you, though. Just give her some time.”

“And what about you?”

“What about me?”

“Can you forgive me?”

“For sleeping with Helen? I told you, I know how she could be.”

“No.” Stephen took a breath. “For lying to myself and following the wrong Cutter.”


End file.
